Red Wine and Narrow Roads

It’s now been four days since I’ve returned from Italy. It has been more than enough time for my trip to become a haze. It’s a weird feeling coming home from time abroad; you would think that spending a month in another country would be hard to forget and it is. However, there’s a weird normalcy of coming home that causes all memories to become a blur. Each photo taken is a reality turned into a story. I want to burst with stories but at the same time its hard to piece everything together. I thought that because I wasn’t gone for a whole semester that everything I had heard about how hard it is to return wouldn’t apply to me. It does! 

Don’t get me wrong. I’m SO happy to be home. I love my bed and my favorite coffee shop and my roommates. But I’m having a hard time grasping the fact that I spent so many days traveling through Italy. Sweet sweet Italy. I dreamed of how wonderful it would be to study olive oil and wine and parmesan in one of their birthplaces. I got to do that. I had a month long food journey. Bear with me because as I’m typing I’m finally starting to process (slowly) through all of this. I visited Venice, Parma, Modena, Sorrento, Capri, etc. I drank a lot of wine, I ate a lot of pasta, I walked everywhere. I took nice trains, I took sketchy trains. I had a shot of espresso every morning. I learned to ignore street vendors and not to use public bathrooms (mainly because they cost $$). I biked through Chianti and wine tasted in castles. I had pesto pizza, a cannoli, bruschetta, lots of tomatoes, truffle gnocchi, and lots of gelato. Italians like to feed you. Italians like to wear black. Italians like to express themselves and have conversations with their neighbors across the sidewalks. Roads are narrow and moped drivers are crazy. Some people don’t like Americans, others are extremely hospitable. Trying to speak Italian is a good thing, even if you screw up. They put Nutella in everything. They eat local as much as they can. A meal is an event and if they feel like closing their store in the middle of the day for a couple of hours they will. Wine is a respected part of the meal and is always necessary. 

Italian men on motorcycles are indeed beautiful. Gelato shops are on every street corner. It’s impossible to get sick of standing on one of the bridges on the Arno river watching the sunset. It’s easy to become immune to the detailed churches that grace each piazza. Being homesick happens. Even with the romantic thoughts of living in Italy, sometimes you can’t get home out of your head. I’m so gleeful that I got to have such a cool experience, with a professor who loved the topic and fellow students that I loved getting to know. Please ask me about Italy because I will be more than happy to tell you about it. I want to keep learning from it, even back here in sweet Minneapolis. 

Suggested Music -- Cannonball // by: Skylar Grey, X Ambassadors 

Suggested Recipe -- Chocolate Biscotti  

May your wine be shared with friends and coffee taken black,

Sarah

Different

I've been wanting to write for a month or two now because little thoughts keep coming to me. Thoughts of depth and thoughts of excitement. But when I write I feel like I need to be going through a breakthrough of sorts in order for me to share it with you. So here it is. Me, sitting in an airport, again. Reflecting on everything in my life and wishing for something different. Why is it that we experience so few times in our lives where we feel truly happy? Why is it that we are always wishing for at least one thing to be different? These are questions I really wish I didn't have to answer. Yet here they are, looking me in the face and telling me to think. Right now I want to be in San Fransisco. In this very moment. Last summer I spent less than two days in that glorious city with my family and right now I'm looking into how I can move there. But I know this moment will pass. Right now I want school to be over. I long for a vacation I can come back from where homework and deadlines aren't confronting me. But I know this moment will pass. Right now I feel like crying; because things aren't as I want them to be. Even though if I were to leave the life I had at this moment I would miss it, I still yearn for a different time. But I know this moment will pass. 

This is a place I wish never existed. This place forces me to believe that what I have right now isn't good enough and that there is always something better. When that is a blatant lie. I hate it when I believe it. Right now I am trying with all I have to find joy in the things of now and be patient for the things of the future. I think often I miss out on the glorious moments of the present when I desire other things. Just now I witnessed a 3 year old blow a kiss to her dad as he left the gate area. And that is the sweetest thing that I could have seen at this time. Innocent and loving now. That is what I strive for on Wednesday March 16th, 2016. A clear mind and a loving disposition. I know I will always look to different things, and I think that is a part of life. But my present is my life and I want to live there. Will you join me in that? I know I'm not alone. 

Suggested Music -- Colour // by: Bright City

Suggested Book -- Miles to Cross // by: Mike Howerton

May your coffee be caffeinated,

Sarah 

Tears

"But I'm learning. It's human to struggle. It's human to nurse a broken heart, to wonder if the pain will ever let up, to howl through your tears every once in a while. And the best, most redeeming, exciting thing I can imagine, from the smashed-up, broken place I've been, is that something beautiful can blossom out of the wreckage." - Shauna Niequist 

I was recently a bridesmaid in my very good friend’s wedding this past weekend. I don’t think I fully prepared myself for how much reflecting I would do in the process of that weekend. I’ve known this friend for almost 18 years now and only see her a couple times a year. This means each time I see her is precious and wonderful. Her wedding day is something we’ve both been dreaming about since we were young. Needless to say I was honored to be a part of it. To put into perspective my emotional state just hear this: the day before the wedding we went to the church to set up and within a minute of walking onto the stage where she would soon say her vows, I started to cry. It wasn’t even my wedding! But I always forget how easily I cry until moments like these arise. 

Tears are a special thing. They allow you to come to grips with all the words whirling around your head. They allow you to show other people how you are truly feeling. They allow you to release hard emotions, whether positive or negative. I cried countless other times during this weekend. I cried during my toast at the rehearsal dinner. I cried in the bridal suite with her while we talked about her beautiful, God-woven relationship with her soon to be husband. I cried when she walked down the aisle. I cried when she proclaimed her promises to her husband. And I cried when she danced with her father to a hand crafted song. There were moments where I tried to hold back from letting it all out at once for the sake of both my make-up and my dignity. But sometimes its good to let it all out. On my way back home I went to the bathroom in the Portland airport and cried in one of the stalls, releasing everything built up and giving myself a fresh start. 

These times were some that I will never ever forget, ones I already hold close to my heart. I long to replay some of the precious moments I shared with my friend this weekend. And tears were a critical part in the closeness I felt with her in this joyous weekend. Admittedly some of those tears were happy and some of them were me coming to grips with the reality that I am not getting married any time soon. But either way, letting those tears leave my eyes was an incredibly wonderful thing. I firmly believe this season of life I am entering is one of extreme growth, independence and confidence. I am realizing that growing up is just more reason to let the tears flow, because its hard. And amidst that difficulty is a sweetness that I just can’t let go of; a sweetness I can only attribute to the joy of life the Lord has given us. 

Sugessted Music -- Send Off // by: Explosions In The Sky 

Suggested Book -- Bittersweet // by: Shauna Niequist 

May your coffee be caffeinated,

Sarah 

Drained

When you’re already in a teary mood, I don’t recommend watching the finale of Friends. In just the last hour I have realized this: humans crave to be loved. We so much want to hear affirmation from others that we are special to them. Sometimes I don’t like being a girl because I feel like I take this characteristic to the level where I even drive myself crazy. I hate to admit it, but I have found that a lot of my worth in the past 5 years has come from people affirming me. Whether that be from a guy or a good friend. Either way it feels good, but when it goes away, it hurts. It really hurts. Sometimes I even push it away. There have been moments where it’s there, and then its gone. A fleeting moment that I wish I could capture in a jar and let it out whenever I needed it. There have been moments where I know I’ve made the right decision (i.e. in a relationship), but I suddenly want to change them, simply for the reason of being affirmed again. I know that these feelings are not necessarily wrong; we were created as beings who have deep love imbedded in our hearts. However, when the affirmation becomes my identity (which I see in my life in neon letters right now), I believe it becomes draining. And that’s exactly how I feel in this moment: drained. For trying too hard to mend something that doesn’t need to be fixed. And for trying to make something work that never will. 

So please hear my heart as I tell you this. I am a broken college student who desires love. I search for it every day of my life. And each time I look, the only thing that stays constant is the promised love of Jesus. I run away from it daily, but He’s always there calling me back. Join me in this battle. 

Ephesians 3.17-19

“so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith — that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God” 

Suggested Music -- Here For You // by: Kygo, Ella Henderson

Suggested Recipe -- Pumpkin Gnocchi w/ Sage Cream Sauce

May your coffee be caffeinated,

Sarah